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V011 2017 Sept 1 sex 101
I find it funny that sex is such a touchy subject. We get together with friends and family; we talk about all kinds of things. We can talk about our kids, jobs, political problems, immigration, war, welfare, our expensive hydro bills, but a conversation about sex seems to be such a huge deal.
When someone has a baby, everyone will jump in to say what diapers to use, whether to lay the baby on its stomach or back, even the best way to burp him or her!
When someone starts to have sex, no one suggests the best brand of condom to use, what size of dildo or what’s the best position for legs. When we are young, we talk about it with our friends, but when we get older, it is outta sight, outta mind. For some, this is what they want. It’s like our kids are grown up, so we don’t talk about John’s ball games anymore. It’s probably true, if we’re not having sex, we don’t want to hear about people that do. When I’m 80, I sure hope I’ll still be having sex!
I talk to people in their 30’s and 40’s and they aren’t having sex. I find it odd that someone can talk about a neighbour’s hemorrhage, or their own diarrhea, but mention a lover’s penis and everyone gets offended. TMI (too much information), a phrase I hear, sometimes, daily. Why is talking about sex such a terrible thing? It’s something we have all done at least once, whether alone or with someone else. Usually, we have done it a lot more than just once. It’s something that has been around longer than cell phones, but we don’t hesitate to ask someone how they like their new phone, or comment on the size and colour. We seem to be on a cell phone more than we are on each other these days. Sex has been here almost before time and without it we, ourselves, wouldn’t be here. For some, sex was used to have children, now that that’s done, so is the sex.
When I think about times that I have spent in the bedroom with lovers, those times were enjoyable, exciting, and for the most part, pretty happy moments! In fact, I don’t think I can remember having a fight while having sex. (Rough sex is not considered fighting.) If people made love more, maybe we all would be smiling! How many times have we had makeup sex? Sometimes that can be the best sex! Makeup sex can be so hot and passionate! In the middle of a fight, instead of lashing out in anger, grab your partner and give them a tongue lashing. It will not only be more fun, but also will leave them in total shock. So often, our fights are over things that didn’t matter to begin with.
Sometimes, when someone is “down in the dumps,” giving them a great orgasm is just what the doctor ordered. An orgasm can release endorphins and they can make us feel so much better. It has been said that an orgasm can help us maintain our youthful look. Check out your friends that are having a lot sex, do they look their age? Remember the waterbeds? They were like being in a bouncy castle, the motion was push for one and rock for three.
A while back, I asked women to write in and explain their reasons for not wanting sex anymore. I thought that would be helpful, as many times I’ve been asked about this. No one wrote in. I’m assuming that all the men that complain about their wives or girlfriends not wanting sex anymore must be dreaming! Probably not, as I’m sure there are a lot of men and women that don’t like sex, but why is this? I asked around and came up with a few reasons for why it could be.
Some are obvious; medications, menopause, or pain (for some it hurts). A less obvious reason was that he just doesn’t do it for her anymore. If she doesn’t like the weight he’s put on, or the weight she has put on herself. Manscaping was another reason; shaving “down there.” Whether it’s a man or a woman, some of us do not like a lot of pubic hair. Others don’t like it shaved bald either. Find out what your partner likes and get out the shears (or not). I love when my partner shaves it for me, so make it a date and get it done. It could also be a long beard he’s grown, or the way his hair stopped growing, or she just isn’t attracted to him enough to want sex anymore. This also can be the case with men, (minus the long beard). Sometimes, we just fall out of love for no reason.
She may have taken on extra curriculum, a lover, and having sex with her husband, she feels like she is cheating on her lover. She may be spending too much time and effort at work and then coming home to kids, dinner, dishes, laundry, and making lunches. If that’s the case, maybe a little help from her man would be great!
Sometimes, stress can kill one’s sexual desires. Drinking can also play a part.
Someone once asked me if I thought I could have sex with the same person everyday. At that time, I responded with the answer I believed was true. If I loved that person, and I made sure to switch things up, then why not? Now, not so much. It’s not the sex that becomes boring, it’s the person. When someone hurts someone, whether it’s physical, mental, or being caught in too many lies, that affects the desire to have sex. Even if they are the best lover ever, if that person cheats, that pain may never go away. The hurt can be too deep.
Self-control or lack of desire; communication is a key to better love making. If we talked to each other about the sex we want, and put 100% into it, if we shared our fantasies with each other, then maybe couples would still not only be sharing the same beds, they’d be exploring their fantasies together.
I remember a game I always played. If he’d rub my spot, he’d get 3 wishes! Try it! He never wished for money, or a bigger car. My biggest reason that sex got boring was I found men thought sex stopped once they had an orgasm. Also, the lack of foreplay. Those two probably go hand in hand. It’s quality, not quantity. Put more time into planning something new, something different. If not, before long, you’ll be doing it all alone.
If you wish to write to me with questions or comments, message me: firstname.lastname@example.org
This is another letter I received. It touches on a subject many are curious about, some dabble in, others really enjoy, and for some, it sends fear of the unknown through their minds!
BDSM B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism).
A submissive is often someone that is the boss at work, the manager or supervisor, the person that makes all the decisions. The person in charge by day; often the go-to person. This is different from someone that is naturally submissive.
The Dominate can often be one that is an organizer, someone that is a helper, a thinker, the one with an imagination. Often, he or she is a protector.
BDSM is in many ways just ordinary people that have become bored with day to day life and have found an avenue to enjoy life with a bit of a twist. He or she could be your Dad, brother, next door neighbour, Grandmother, or heck, even yourself!!!
Your new column is a breath of fresh air for undoubtedly many readers (including this one), about a topic that is often central to everyday lives, though often not central to everyday dialogue among those directly involved; lovers, married couples, and whomever else may explore an often confusing, contradictory, and seemingly ever changing sexual landscape.
The candour and seeming ease with which the columns are written (all two of them to date!! lol) shows a clear knowledge of the topic and its expression in many varied practices. Certainly, some of the terms used (e.g. BDSM) may be unfamiliar to some, prompting a quick look up on the internet. Although, much material does appear to explain some of the more esoteric terms used in the columns, hopefully the readers of this column are not even more confounded by the myriad of answers that an internet search may provide.
To focus directly on BDSM, in this writer’s opinion, BDSM (the term itself is subject to much ongoing discussion as to its true meaning) is a relationship with two consenting partners that has less to do with sex, and more to do with trust and learning more about how to please each other in, and more importantly, outside of the sexual connotation.
Certainly, Velvet’s view that the female orgasm is misunderstood, mythologized or overlooked altogether, has this email author in complete accordance. The question posed for Velvet is: In a considered opinion, what is the role of sex (if any) in a healthy BDSM relationship? Oh, and for those not already familiar with what BDSM means, here you go: “Bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism.” As you can see, even the definition of BDSM may be off-putting to some, let alone the debates that abound (no pun intended) as to what all of that really means. That could be several columns in itself!
Hopefully, Velvet is energized to share the answer to this question with what can only be seen as a growing readership of this new column.
Always with sincerity,
Thomas D. Bigglesbee III
First, may I say thank you for your letter and your praise in regards to my first two columns! It is very much appreciated. I do hope you continue to read and enjoy my columns going forward as well!
I welcome your question and will try to answer to the best of my knowledge!
Firstly, in the BDSM lifestyle, there are many different relationships, just as there are in the vanilla world, swingers, bisexual, or any other relationship known to man or women. A BDSM relationship often is of a nonsexual sort. It can concentrate on a much higher level of devotion, obedience, respect, honesty, trust, and even love.
A Dom being a male, and Domme being a female dominant, would seem to be the one in complete charge and control, but truth be told, it is the submissive that has the ultimate power. When a Domme and submissive interact, whether it is through bondage, at the end of a whip, leash or whatever strikes one’s fancy at any point in time, the submissive has the control of a chosen safe word, usually “red” and all play stops immediately! Therefore, trust must be of the utmost importance at that time and, in my opinion, if the play does not stop, it would and could cross the line of abuse.
The Dominant and submissive are interacting as two mature and consulting adults; most times fulfilling fantasies they wish to share. Some have found they have become bored in life and have found this lifestyle more fulfilling with others! There are many people and couples that use the BDSM lifestyle to heighten their sexual pleasures! Many times, it can also be called kinky sex!
Endorphins are released when Dominant and submissive perform these exchanges, whether through spankings, worshipping feet or many other body parts, sometimes just following orders or even domestic duties is enough. The submissive is usually naked, to lower the level of equality to the Domme. The Domme is dressed usually in leather, to feel superior to the sub. It is all done to excite fantasies, though is more on a mental level than anything else!
The Dominant may be on a natural high from feeling the control and also an endorphin release from the power to control by taking their submissive to “sub space”; a true meeting of the minds!
Many times, the outside world only sees a BDSM relationship as sexual. Unless it is a submissive that is a sex slave, very often it is not sexual. Many submissive men feel they are not worthy of their Domme and if he is ever allowed any sexual part of her life, it is for his Domme’s pleasure in whatever way she chooses!
For those wishing to write in to comment or ask questions feel free to do so email@example.com
V009 July 24/17 My Greatest Lover
One question I have been asked on more than one occasion is, “What makes someone your greatest lover?”
This answer isn’t really that hard when one thinks about it! First and foremost, my lover must enjoy giving oral! If not, they won’t last long with me! Secondly, he must enjoy sex! Third, to me, kissing is a must and there must be plenty of it.
The ability of someone to follow instructions is also important to me. There are ways I enjoy my lover to perform, during both intercourse and oral, so that I enjoy it to the fullest. If not, I won’t have an orgasm and that sure doesn’t seem fair to me. I will give my all to make sure my lover has at least one! If one tries their best and it just doesn’t happen, that doesn’t mean they are out the door.
Imagine meeting someone and they honestly said, “I just don’t like sex.” Many people would turn tail and run or just not call again. One can tell within 5 minutes whether it is a love of sex or just the lust of being with a person.
Many men tell me that they have never had any complaints. Do they think that most women will tell the truth? No, if a guy was so good, then why isn’t he with the woman now? I have told men that if they don’t give me a happy ending (an orgasm), I will not see them again. Think about it; if a man had sex and never got to cum, would he hang around? Unless he is doing orgasm denial; that is where he is in the BDSM lifestyle and makes the choice to not have an orgasm until he is ordered to do so.
Passion is what most people lack. When I find a lover I share passion with, it feels so amazing. Every kiss, every nibble can make my body tingle and then bring me to orgasm much quicker! I often joke with people, “Go big or go home!” The reality is that a lot of men don’t know how to make love! Kudos to those of you that do. I have never understood why a man feels that slamming it inside my vagina and cumming within 5 minutes can be a good time had by all! Some of these guys are called two-pump chumps. There is nothing wrong with a man cumming quick the first time, but a man needs to be sure he doesn’t just blow and go. When a man brags about a 12 inch penis, I look at him and say, “Stick it up your own ass and see how it feels.” It hurts! Many women have spoken to me about this complaint and most say that men with huge penises make the worst lovers. Their reasons are the same; it hurts. Men don’t think they need to do anything more because they think their large penis is all a woman wants. Men with smaller penises try harder and women enjoy that more. Often, men just don’t know how to measure.
Some women hate the mess, some hate the smell. For those women, why not just use a condom? Even if a couple has been together for years, it’s better than not having sex at all. I didn’t understand how a married couple would need to do this, but now I do. It’s hard for women to tell their partner this. Communication is so important to us all. We need to tell each other what we want and how to get there!
Sometimes, we like it rough, but not every time. One night, soft and gentle, loving and compassionate! The next night, grab the hair and smack that ass. Talk dirty and make it exciting! I was once told that no one could have sex everyday with the same lover and have it be great. If one lays there and both do it the same way day in and day out, how can that not get boring? Invest in some fun toys and outfits and make it exciting! That’s what makes my greatest lover, just that! Forget that we are getting old, remember the drive-in! They are still around. Go one night and steam up the windows. Remember, if the car is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’! Everyone needs to think of one place they have never done it! Make an effort and get on it!
Any man can be good at oral if he follows instructions! I find most men want women to tell them what we like. What one woman loves, the next one may not, so tell your lover how to lick, suck, and with any luck, he will become just as great as any lover that has ever been had! So guys, stop, look and listen, and you too can say that, “I am the world’s greatest lover.” It’s not about how many women a man has been with, it’s about how hard a man has worked at pleasing the woman he has! Treat her with respect and honesty and don’t lie to her and maybe she will still be there with you!!!
V008 June 28/17 Letter From Kim
When I started my column, I invited my readers to write in and I stated that some letters would get printed. This is a letter from Kim that I received and I decided to print it, along with my response. If you have questions or comments, feel free to write in as well at firstname.lastname@example.orgWho knows? Yours may be next.
I have a friend who has sex with a lot of people. My question is, “What drives a person, whether male or female, to have sex with anyone and a lot of them? Would they not be afraid of diseases or hooking up with someone not so nice?
Thanks for your question. I have given your letter much thought! Your first comment is that your friend has sex with a lot of people. My first thought to this is “define a lot”. When someone eats 2 plates full of food and a friend eats 3 or more, one would think their friend eats a lot. When someone drinks a case of beer, one would think that person drinks a lot. When I do my laundry, I have one or two loads a week, others do ten loads, I’d say that’s a lot! A person that has one lover for their entire life would think anyone having more than one to be a lot.
Couples who have sex twice a week would think twice a day is a lot. Probably, most people would think that’s a lot others probably think, are they ever lucky! I am sure if I ask all my friends, they would all say they all know at least one person they think has a lot of sex. Even I know people that I think are having a lot of sex, not because they are, but because they are having more than me.
Some people enjoy sex with multiple lovers and sometimes with strangers. It is because our chemical makeups are different. We are all different, it’s what makes the world go round. I don’t think we should be here to judge anyone, so if your friend is happy with her/his way of life and she/he isn’t hurting anyone, then is it a problem?
There is a rush and excitement one gets when meeting someone new. It can also be had when having sex with someone for the first time. When some people have sex, they engage all of their emotions and they give it their all. Thus making it an amazing and incredible experience. They do so knowing it will be the only time they will share it with this partner. We all remember the first time we had sex, or our first kiss. Some people want to be remembered as someone’s best lover. Some people just love sex that much. Sometimes, it’s their insecurities that it may not be as good the next time. This also saves them from getting close to anyone. At the same time, it saves them from getting hurt. Some are tired of hearing “maybe if”; after a while, they just shut down and find themselves not caring because no one cared enough about them. They were always good enough to have sex with, but just not good enough to be in a relationship with. In time, they realize that sex is all they are good for. It’s like when they meet someone and they say they don’t want a relationship right now and the person’s response is, “So you’re just looking for sex?” “No!” The answer can’t be no because if they don’t want a relationship and they aren’t looking for just sex, what are they really looking for? So, in our modern society, what are we creating? A world full of bang buddies, friends with benefits, and casual partners. Until we are too old to do it anymore, and then all we want a companion. All in all, I call it self-preservation. Then, we have our favourite phrase, “Use them, abuse them, and kick them to the curb.” I think that’s how some of us feel, so that is who we become. There are others that just want another notch on their belt or headboard. It makes them feel good to know they are still wanted or attractive. It can be a numbers game, kind of like seeing how many likes they get on a picture. They are usually known as the players. We all have seen them not caring who or how many people they hurt along the way. Often, these people are married and they just want sex because they have someone at home to call out to when they walk in the door. “Hey Babe!!!” Many times, they lie and have no care or concern for crushing someone’s feelings.
This next paragraph is a man’s response when I asked, “Why do men sleep with a lot of women?”
As a young male sleeping with different women, or back then girls, it was like a victory plus bragging rights to my friends. “Yep, I tagged her last night.” As men get older, the reasons change. One reason might be insecurity, and sleeping with different women might give a man the feeling of, “Yep, I still got it.” Another reason might be that they are looking for the perfect woman, not just sex, and are having trouble finding the woman that meets their criteria, so in turn end up sleeping with multiple woman. I, myself, like to find one that loves sex and is good at it. Then, I can focus on pleasuring her to the max. Sleeping with multiple women, when a guy is young, is not a bad thing. It gets him experience and after all, it has made me the world’s greatest lover today. Lol!
For those questioning that one! It means “Laugh out loud.” hahaha
As far as someone not being so nice, you can know someone for ten years and one day they just snap. People that want to hurt others can find many ways to do so. I remember it wasn’t so long ago that there was a man that listed a truck on Kijiji, and was killed when taking the potential customers for a test drive. One can die from eating a bad slice of meat, or in a car crash. If it’s our time, we don’t know what way we will go.
When we meet new people, there is always a chance that person can be a danger. Every friend one has was once a stranger. A stranger is only a stranger until you meet them. That is why most people meet in public places. Walking alone at 3 in the morning can be pretty scary walking especially in the bad part of town. If we didn’t take any chances, we’d all be loners and we’d have no one to read our Facebook posts or our Twitter feeds. As adults, we all know the dangers are out there in all aspects of life. Our levels of safety will always differ. The younger generation was pushed and prodded to wear condoms, which was a great thing! So many of the older generations were missed, and we hear things like, “That’s like having a shower with your socks on” or “I know I don’t have anything and I know you don’t either.” The reality is that there are many ways of catching diseases when having sex, even with a condom on. Unless every waking moment is spent with someone, one will never know for sure.
We have people that come and go in our lives for different reasons! Some stay for a moment, some stay for days, and others will last a lifetime. Figure out the reason this person has come into your life. Odds are, they’re worth having as a friend. If you are a true friend, you will love them as one!
V007 June 9/17 Velvet’s Ins And Outs
Velvet’s Ins and Outs
These are the ins and outs of Velvet’s sex toys. These are very simple ideas that one can do for more fun in, and out, of the bedroom. Toys were meant to be played with and to add excitement to our sex lives. Toys were made to help with foreplay. Toys also make self-loving much easier. When we are young, we are taught to share our toys with our friends; so use them when with someone! It is not recommended to share our toys with our friends that we do not share our bed with, but share ideas. Not sure why it is that, when we were kids we got a new toy and we wouldn’t put it down and couldn’t get enough time with our toy, but we forget that when we grow up.
Remote control vibrating bullet:
In: it can be used when alone or with a partner, while in any part of the home. Be sure to test for distance. Put it in her vagina, it makes for good foreplay while making supper or during cleanup, while watching TV, or it makes housework seem to go by quicker.
Out: take it on the road. Before leaving the house, slide the bullet inside her vagina. Once in the vehicle and on the way, you’re your lover the remote and enjoy the ride! This also is great to make grocery shopping more fun! For those of us that are single, if there is a friend that would enjoy having the remote, pass it over when meeting at Tim Horton’s. If your friend has no idea what it is, lean against him or her, and it won’t take long to figure out. If at a restaurant, place it on the table. It heightens the mood just thinking someone will see it and know what it is! Odds are no one will even notice! If they do, what will they say?
Sexy lingerie is just that – sexy! Most men are excited to just see it on a woman. I find black and red with lace works best. Whether a lady sleeps naked or in pj’s, his eyes will light up when lingerie is put on. Don’t forget the garter belt and stockings. Stop worrying about your fat, because he isn’t looking at it right now, all he’s thinking about is how sexy you look for him!
Out: for lingerie, put it on when leaving to go out for the evening, wear under a dress whether heading to a wedding, or if just going out for supper. Make sure he knows about the lingerie, as it makes him think about it every time he looks over! Sometimes, just a quick peek, getting out of the vehicle, or a whisper in his ear. Make sure to wait until arrival at the destination, as you want it to be foreplay, not the reason for being late.
Chastity belt: the best one, to my knowledge, is the CB2000, and it can be easily purchased online. When at home, it can be worn on a man’s penis as to tease and torture him all evening, and this will control and excite him.
When he wears his CB out, he feels the control his partner has on him and he can’t do anything with his penis unless his partner says so! Even when he has to pee, he must sit down or risk it splashing all over the place and on himself. It will drive him crazy, knowing his partner controls his penis even when she isn’t around.
I’ve mentioned my electric toothbrush before, so it’s a given!!! It’s inexpensive, easy to use, just keep the battery charged, and apply gently to the clit! Can be used alone or with a friend!
Out: This toy travels easily! When going through customs, there is no embarrassing moment when the customs agent pulls it out of your suitcase, unlike an 8 inch dildo! The chances of it turning on accidentally and everyone wondering what is making the luggage vibrate are now very unlikely! So I’d say this is a win/win!
Butt plug: definitely not for me, but others love them! No pun intended! Some can have vibrators inserted inside so they vibrate on a man’s prostate.
Out: A butt plug in public can be used as a form of punishment and one must make sure to keep it in or risk it popping out and rolling across the floor during an important meeting. I bet no one would say it was theirs.
Smells can always be an added addition to your relationship! I have worn my vanilla perfume for years, and I still have men tell me that they think of me when they smell vanilla!
Coconut oil has become very popular and smells great. It can be melted all over bodies when giving and getting a great massage. Then, make love and feel great against each other’s bodies! It can be used as a moisturizer and it’s a reminder of the great night you just had! I brush my teeth with it every day!
Mutual masturbation: this can be fun with each other; a temptation, but no touching one another!
Out: This is also enjoyable when ones’ partner is at work and just a phone call away. Find a quiet place, call your partner, and enjoy self-loving over the phone! Caution – make sure to be alone!
I believe one of the biggest assets we are all born with is our imagination. Part of growing up should not be to lose it! Tap into that imagination and make a date night with your partner, buy some costumes and learn a different kind of role playing!
Above all, safety first and remember – we are all adults, so enjoy and have fun!
On a side note, I have been asked by men, “Why does my wife not like sex anymore?” So, I’m asking my readers for the answer. I understand that most people reading my column are doing so because they don’t hate sex! So, if you know someone that does hate it, give her my address and ask her to write! If she wants to remain anonymous, tell her to put that in the letter. Unless she wants you to know that the problem is because of you!
If you wish to write to me with questions and comments, message
V006 Jan 24/17 Is This Love
One thing I have always questioned about or have been asked by others is, “What is love?” I know I love my kids, my parents and my friends as friends. Why is it we have such a problem recognizing our love of a spouse or partner?
Our memories can show us love.
I remember times like when his arms were around me and the moon was full, our eyes met and we kissed, it felt like magic. I remember opening my door, it was love at first sight. Another time, when we danced, it felt like no one else was there. Another time, when he held me, I felt loved. When we were apart, all we wanted was to be together, but because I didn’t understand what love was, I let them go. My hardest one was being with the love of my life and months later, finding out he was married. That was a real game changer, the heart breaker. We all have our heart breakers for whatever reason, but in time we move on. Never let that heart breaker destroy you. Easier said than done; but if it wasn’t love, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. I used to say the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else. That worked better when I was younger, but it wasn’t true. Then, as we get older, we do get wiser. We all learn that with time and distractions, our broken hearts can heal.
We base our love on sex far too much, hence, the confusion of is that love or is it just sex. Take away the sex and if there is nothing left, that is called lust.
It was the rest of the things they did for me and with me. It was the romance, it was sharing time, whether we painted the house or went for walks. He bought me that gift that was what I really wanted, not the one he thought I’d like, or the card he took the time to read. He wanted to hold my hand. He made the time, not the excuses. If he bails on you and never finds time for you, maybe he’s just not into you! I think we set our sights too high and pass over the ones that could have, would have, been ours, and then they are gone. Yet, we hang on to the ones that will never love us, ones that continue to hurt us, and for what? Great sex!
My friend told me she had two men; both had come into her life at different times, both had been the greatest lovers in her life. It doesn’t mean the first was any less, just that he has gone and life moves on and so did he!
Maybe the book men look at should be about how to be the best lover for women and not just full of pictures for them to self-love! Find out what she or he wants, find out how to make love and put 110% into her or him.
It’s like, the person that has the affair, if they put that time into the person they are with, maybe they wouldn’t need someone else. Have the affair with your own husband or wife! Someone once told me he should have married the woman he had an affair with because he thought he would have been happier. My response was, “No, you wouldn’t because she would have had your kids, your bills, your bullshit, and she would have then become your wife.” An affair is sometimes about someone that is there to make you feel loved, wanted or someone that makes you feel special again. It can be someone that will kiss you and give the sex you miss now, but most times it gives us what we used to have with the person we married, but now we have lost!
When one gets married, at first it’s great sex, romance, the conversations are all new. Then, one gets comfortable and bored. So instead, wake up, before it’s gone. Sometimes we think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s not! Start planning nights away with your spouse. Make it exciting, learn the art of role playing. Bring back the romance and the lingerie. Buy some games for lovers, a shower curtain for the bed and cover each other in oil and enjoy! Stop with the excuses like, “I’m too tired, I have a headache, and work sucked.” The spark was there when you decided to get married or move in together, why not now? Put a lock on your bedroom door. Make it your space for just the two of you. It doesn’t mean you love your kids any less. Maybe you need “we” time. Whether it’s for sex or just to cuddle. Cuddling has become a lost art. Believe it or not, we can miss it more than sex, this is a time when love is exchanged on a higher level. It’s warmth, its tenderness, it’s safety, it’s security, or sometimes just a nice place to be.
The people I meet that are happily married have kept their marriages alive with fun things, whether it’s “Pantless Wednesdays” or they still flirt with each other or still shower together or they both don’t desire sex anymore and do other things together, but they all say it’s a lot of hard work. We see the elderly couple holding hands. I know I envy them. Slow down and wait for your partner, take his or her hand. This is supposed to be your best friend, so love them, respect them, take care of them, compromise, don’t fight with them, fight to keep them!
Chastity Belt: a device worn on, over or around a penis or vagina. It prevents that person from having intercourse or self-loving. The device is locked. The answer to the question most asked; he sits down to pee.
V005 Jan 4/17 Do You Know What He Likes
I think it is only fair if I write my next column about men’s orgasms, since I covered women’s orgasms last issue. I hope it has helped women out there to have some great orgasms by now. Most men learn at a very early age that their penis gets hard, also, that if they touch it, it feels great! Men start to self love long before most of us women do. Men stroke it in the morning and in the afternoon and they stroke it in the evening underneath the moon. I have driven down the road and seen a man, on more than one occasion, stroke it while driving – and the police worry about cell phones. Men seem to love oral a lot but, who are we kidding, so do I. Now the age old question! Does she swallow? Really, dude, does it matter? If she is down there giving you oral for your pleasure, when you climax, be glad she got you there. I tell people, when they ask my opinion; firstly, it is full of protein. Then, it depends on where you are. If I’m in my bed, I swallow that stuff. If I am in his bed, I don’t have to wash the sheets. If you want your man to climax faster for whatever reason, then take control. Tell him to grab your hair and make you do it! This seems to turn men on more and ejaculate much quicker. Then, you can get back to your movie, your text messages, or whatever you wanted to do. Now, if you want him to last longer, when he is getting to his fullest capacity and he starts to moan a bit, stop and change it up. This throws him off and prolongs it. Use both your hand and your mouth. If he is too big, use both your hands and mouth together; it helps you to not gag. If he’s too small, I guess you don’t have to worry about gagging then do you? When you are working it, don’t just bob your head up and down. Change it up, make love to his penis, pretend you are in a tornado, pretend it’s an all day sucker, but don’t worry, it never takes that much time for him to finish. Don’t be afraid to run your teeth on his penis, but use caution not to bite; most men will frown on that. Anytime while making love or even before starting to make love, giving him oral can be a sure fire way to get men ready. Another fun thing to do is called white knuckling. This is, give him oral while driving down the road, without cruise control. Be sure to loosen your seat belt, but don’t undo it, that would be illegal and we want to put safety first. For added pleasure, this is when you can head bob. When you come up, look around; see if anyone notices what you are doing. If they do be sure to smile.
There is an email ( Velvet.email@example.com ) at which readers can write to me with questions and comments. Some of those may even make it to print, so when writing remember to choose your words and language carefully.
The word I will describe today is vanilla, as many people have asked what it is. First, it is the nicest smelling perfume I own and is known to be a man’s aphrodisiac. In the term I was using in my introduction column, vanilla is a word that is used in the BDSM lifestyle to describe the people that are not into kink or BDSM. Some people would say they are the normal people. I say describe normal!!!
V004 Mar 31/17 And They Were Swinging
Swingers have been around for many years. I remember hearing about them, when I was a young child, living in a small town. A bunch of married people got together, threw their keys in a hat, then went home with whoever owned the key they pulled out. I thought to myself, glad I don’t drive yet. It puzzled me back then because I didn’t understand how someone could go home with someone else for sex, just by pulling their key out. As I got older, I knew that lifestyle wasn’t for me because I don’t share well with others. I can’t see loving someone and sleeping with someone else, whether he knows and is okay with it or not. That said, I entered into the world of swingers a few years ago. I was single, bored, and heard about a couples club near Toronto. I thought I’d check it out. I went to the first one. It was a classy place. A woman took me for a tour, I met her husband, who was very good looking, may I add. The dance floor was huge and she took me through a door and explained that anyone going through must disrobe and put on a towel to go further. That part told me I would never go further when it opened because I wasn’t wearing a towel in a bar no matter what she said. We then walked past rooms with beds and she explained that there were curtains in the rooms that could be closed, or if I enjoyed being watched, I could leave them open. Then, at the back was a huge, open area with a huge bed and she said that was for people who enjoyed orgies. (That is when anyone can join in and have sex with everyone and anyone.) While I was there, all I could think was, “Wow, that’s one huge bed!”. I then pictured a pile-on, and me on the bottom, and I couldn’t breathe, so that wasn’t happening. I then reminded myself I didn’t have to worry because of the towel rule, so I would be no part of that. I have never done the “orgy thing” and I’m okay with that. I like to have some say in who I’m with and who is with me! I came back later when the bar was open and the place was packed with a lot of people. Women in sexy dresses and the men were dressed classy. I spent the night observing as couples interacted with each other. One by one making their way to the door! By midnight, about half of the people had left through the door, but not all. I danced alone, only talking to a few people because there was no way anyone was going to get me through the door. I did notice even though the women looked good, the only man I thought I’d like to take home was the husband of the woman that owned the place. Shorty after midnight, I jumped in my car and headed to the other place I had heard about and it wasn’t far, so I drove there. It was in the industrial area and kinda scary at first. There were people smoking outside and they weren’t wearing much, but they were friendly. I went inside. It was kind of dark inside and the man at the door gave me the quick lowdown on what to expect. It sure was busy. I walked around and noticed a few things.
There was a woman giving a man oral on the dance floor! Wow, that was different. I did notice his face and he was pretty good looking. Then I walked around, taking note that the men in this bar were a lot hotter than at the other one, many of which started to circle; sorry guys, not interested. I remember seeing a larger woman enjoying herself on the pool table as men took their turns with her. I noticed the men that were watching as they waited their turn. I noticed the couples sharing each other, and the women touching each other as men watched on. I was never into watching people, so it wasn’t so interesting or alluring to me. I danced and had men come try to entice me to go with them, but it wasn’t my thing. I left alone and wasn’t sure if I’d return to either place. Funny thing was, a few weeks later, my girlfriend started to talk about these clubs. I told her I’d already checked them out. We ended up going to the second one. I enjoyed controlling the men and giving them numbers as she enjoyed them, one number at a time. I learned it was a judgement free zone. No one cared what we wore, how we danced, or if we partook in the sexual part of the club. They had the dance floor, on which I spent most of my time, and then they put a chain across where the people has sex and a guard, so only single women or couples could cross. So, between dances I’d take a new guy, drop him off and take the old one out. I never judged my friend, nor do I now, because she was doing what she enjoyed! In time, the place we went closed and opened a new place which was much nicer. It had real beds, no more sore necks from people crunching in the corners. It was also better for the pool players, who wondered at the old place why the table wasn’t as level as the night before. There where two sections, one for couples and one for singles. The singles side, I found, was for women who enjoyed as many men as they wanted. Again, judgement free. The curtains were drawn for privacy or not for voyeurs (people that liked being watched). There was always someone that was there for protection in case anyone was thinking it was their turn when it wasn’t. There were towels and powder and oils, but the towels were for cleanup, not to wear. The other side was for single women and couples. Many men would ask me if I’d take them downstairs into a room and I would set down the rules before I did. First and foremost, no touching me in any way. Second, before he even thought to touch someone else, he must ask permission! That was a very important rule, but so was the first one!
The one thing I noticed that was unlike any other bar I have been to was; in all the times I was there, not once was there fighting, raised voices, or cat fights. My conclusion to it all was that it was a place many people went to, some married, some not. Some men brought their wives to play with the bulls, the single young men. It turned them on to see that these men were attracted to their wives. Sometimes they would have intercourse, sometimes not. Others just wanted to see their wives with other women. It may not be for me or you, but in the end, does it really matter?! It was all consenting adults doing what they enjoyed most; having sex! I asked my friend, for his input on the swingers lifestyle:
Over my past 15 years of being part of the swingers lifestyle, I have been asked how can a couple benefit from the lifestyle. First thought that crosses my mind is that all my friends that have enjoyed and been successful in the lifestyle enjoy the incredible communication and trust between the two partners. Their communication can be strong with everyday decision making, with finance, kids, and future retirement goals, but also, more importantly is couples being able to talk and listen about their sexual desires, needs, and fantasies for each other, and how to achieve the possibility of satisfying these sexual needs. This can be any desire, such as being erotic in public, bisexual curiosity, being able to touch other lifestyle couples, having sex with other people, with your partner present or not. Being able to talk about them only strengthens the love and commitment in a relationship. Also, as one becomes part of the lifestyle, there is constant checking in with partners, if they are still comfortable with where they are as a couple presently. If one is not sure, talk about the concerns, then either change or continue.
( firstname.lastname@example.org ) Where readers can write to me with questions and comments.
V003 Feb 4/16 Dating 101
Loneliness for some is unbearable; they need to have someone to come home to after work. They need to be in a relationship. When we are young, we find someone so we can have a family. When I was young, if you weren’t married by 20 you were an old maid. Many of those marriages didn’t make it. Hurray for those that did. Now people get married at a later age and finding that person has gotten much harder. Many people now are staying single for many reasons. Some people have been through it and hurt too many times. A lot just want to share themselves with everyone. Myself, I fall into many categories; I can’t find someone I can see spending the rest of my life with, I have been hurt too many times. The ones my age aren’t high energy and I don’t want to slow down. Many drink too much, or smoke or I’m just not attracted to them. I was once told I find something wrong with everyone I meet, but if there wasn’t something wrong with them, it wouldn’t be so easy to find now would it! Yes, I know we all have faults and, on occasion, I’ll even admit to a few of my own. A couple of weeks ago, I thought, okay fine, I will make another attempt to find a partner. I signed up on a computer dating site. I filled in all the questions asked, I did it honestly, to the best of my knowledge. I realized I was a pretty good catch. I then uploaded 3 recent pictures. I wrote up a profile about me. I tried to stay away from …..what word do you want in here …….. men that I didn’t want because that would intimidate them and be too long of a list! I started out on an adventure to find my perfect mate. I set my profile to within 75 miles because all the messages were from the USA. Then, I also set it so they needed a picture to message me. If I had one, so could they. I started receiving messages that someone wanted to meet me, then another wanted to meet me, then someone else wanted to meet me. I went to my profile to check and there it was; my message stating that I didn’t do meet me. So, I learned that none of these men could take the time to read. In the first week, over 50 men decided they wanted to “meet me”. Then, I watched as hundreds viewed me, but only a few took the time to write. One of the first men to write asked if I could send him some more pictures. I had 3 there. He said he wanted me to show him what was under my dress. Yeah, not happening. I also noticed he was on a lot and when I questioned him, he said that until he met me in person, he was going to keep looking, but once we met he would sign off. I explained he wasn’t the guy for me. A few days later, he messaged me to say he met the most wonderful woman, she looked amazing. My first question to him was, “Why are you still on here then?” He said that until he found out if she was sexually compatible, he wasn’t signing off. Then, a day later, he wrote to see if I’d join them in a threesome. My thought on a threesome is that if he can’t take care of her on his own, don’t expect me to do it for him. So glad I’m still single.
I also signed up on a phone dating site, which is worse because everyone sounds good on the phone and every man said he was either hot, good looking, in great shape, well endowed and, for some reason, liked walks on the beach. Sand is so hard to walk on, gets in my sandals, and too hot if I walk in bare feet. On the phone, men would be more direct. Some messages were just men moaning. I’d sometimes suggest they see a doctor. They never saw the humour in my joke. Many would talk in what was thought to be their sexy voice. I’d tell them to talk normal because they weren’t pulling it off very well and I couldn’t hear them. Their questions all seemed robotic,“What are you wearing?” “What are your stats?” “How big are your breasts?” “How much do you weigh?” Those where the nice questions! Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple of nice guys. Some told me that most women on the line were, “pay for play”, which is a cute way of saying prostitutes, but in my opinion, if you’re going to talk to these women like they’re whores, you should maybe pay them like they’re whores. Then, I tried the personals and it was equally as disturbing as the phone chat. All in all, I learned that when placing the ads, do not ask for head shots because some men sent pictures of their other head. I’m sorry, but those things are not that attractive. That’s why many of us like the lights off! I also learned that a picture is worth a thousand words. These are some things that people are thinking after they meet! “Wow, she weight 200 pounds more now.” “He has aged at least 10 years.” “She said she was blond!” “He doesn’t smell like a nonsmoker!” “Since when did 5 feet 9 inches look like 5 feet, nothing!” “What happened to his hair?” “Is that a tan line on the ring finger?” If someone is going to lie about all those things, what else would they lie about? So, honesty is so important and yes, I am still single!
(email@example.com) Where readers can write to me with questions and comments.
Swingers: I am going to research this next so I can give a better description, as I am not
V001 16 Dec 25 Velvet Feel Intro
I will be writing about many different takes on sex from the BDSM lifestyle, swingers, vanilla, and any other forms that you the readers are interested in asking and reading about. I am not here to help you find the love of your life; I for one still haven’t found mine. I hope to make your sex life more exciting because we all like to try new things. Sometimes hearing about someone else’s fun will stimulate our own.
We spend too much time trying to find out what love is. We love our clothes, our cars, our new hairdo; me, I love sex and that’s our topic. When is sex best, when is sex better, when is sex scary, when should we reward with sex and when should we deny sex. I find so many people are afraid to say the word sex, let alone talk about it. We will discuss openly many of our guilty pleasures, foods, oral, bondage, glory hole, bulls, Domme, submissive, same sex, 3somes, 4somes, masturbation which I call self loving because it sounds so much nicer, gang bang, tag, drive by sex, bococky, anal, foot fetishes, and many others to be discussed.
There are many tools of the trade we will talk about and discover their uses such as strapons, bondage ropes, sounds, kink, shower curtains, oils, dildoes, saran wrap, electrodes, whips, and the parachute (one of my personal favourites). Let’s not forget the one that holds the key to my heart or shall I say the key to his chastity belt. Many of these things can be used to enhance your sex life.
There is an email ( Velvet.firstname.lastname@example.org ) in which readers can write to me with questions and comments. Some of those may even make it to print, so, when writing remember to choose your words and language carefully.
Some of what I write about will be from my own personal experience; others will be from people that I have met throughout my life. I look forward to those that decide to email me and others that just want to read and enjoy the things I write about.